Showing posts with label Loren Buckner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loren Buckner. Show all posts

Jan 7, 2012

Interview With Author, Mother And Psychotherapist Loren Buckner

Interview with author, mother and psychotherapist Loren Buckner, LCSW
Interview by Stacy Toten and Carol Lawrence

Loren Buckner, LCSW grew up in White Plains, New York. She graduated from American University with a B.A. in the Administration of Justice and earned a Master of Social Work degree from Tulane University. Loren writes about the impact of parenting on parents. She has articles published in Tampa Bay Parenting, Family Magazine, and Healing Magazine. Her new book, ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life And HowTo Deal With Them is available now for purchase.

1. Loren, when did the idea strike you to write a book?
I was invited to write a paper for a professional conference. About this same time, in my personal life, my son was a teenager and was going through a rough patch, so I was going through a rough patch too. Because of how difficult parenting had become for me, I decided to write the paper on the importance of helping parents understand their own emotions. The paper was very well received. After the conference, someone in the elevator who had been to my presentation said, "You should write a book about that." I remember thinking, why would anyone want to write a book? The idea percolated, though, and a several months later I started writing.
2. For those who have not read your book, can you tell us about your children?
A few days after my son got his driver’s license he borrowed the car, picked up some beer and a few friends, and drove to the beach to celebrate his new-found freedom. A police car eventually drove by to check out the party. A couple of hours later, the officer called and we had to go to the beach to retrieve the car and watch as the policeman drove my son and his friends to the detention center. It was shocking to me that my son could really do something like that, and it was the beginning of a very rough few years.
My daughter wasn’t as confrontational as my son, but she had a mind of her own and didn’t like to be told what to do. Even though parenting was way more difficult than I ever imagined, the principles I write about did, in the end, come through for us. Both my kids are doing quite well now, and I have a close relationship with both of them. My son does enjoy taking some credit for being the inspiration behind my writing!
3. How did you come up with your twenty intentions?
I wanted to write a book that spoke honestly about how it really feels to be a parent. The Intentions evolved naturally as part the writing process. They're a combination of my personal and professional insights into coping with the challenges of family life. They're meant to reflect on-going goals, not something that parents rate themselves on everyday. 

4. What gave you the idea to end each chapter with Food For Thought questions?
As parents, I think it's important not only to read about other parents, but to also look deeply inside ourselves. The Food for Thought questions are meant to encourage parents to explore their own inner worlds. I believe that the more comfortable we are within ourselves the better prepared we’ll be to take on the emotional challenges of raising children.
5. How many of the subjects focused on in your book have you experienced personally?
All of them.

6. Now that your children are grown, in hindsight would you have done anything differently?
I've wondered about that from time to time too. Sometimes, I think I should have been a bit stricter. I tended to let them off the hook – an apology with a big hug went a long way with me. Would they have acted out as much if I were a little more rules and consequences oriented? Or would they have rebelled even more? I don't know. In hindsight, I guess, alls well that ends well. They are responsible young adults with good hearts. So we certainly weren’t perfect. But, I guess, we were “good enough.”

7. Do you have any tips for aspiring authors?
Speak publicly about your subject: If you want a mainstream publisher you need a strong platform. Persevere: Many, many query letters will go unanswered.
Accept rejection without personalizing it: This, by the way, is very very hard to do. Love what you're doing: When you get discouraged, commitment to your message will help you keep going.

8. Are you still available as a counselor and do you still make home visits?
I do have a private practice in Tampa. I don't make home visits, but I do phone sessions and skype sessions too.

9. What's next for Loren Buckner? Thinking about writing a second book?
I think about another book but haven't started one yet. With my full-time practice along with working on getting the ParentWise message out, I'm pretty busy right now.
10. Are you available for speaking engagements and is there any particular topics you would like to cover during our live chat on January 10th?
Yes, I do speaking engagements with both large and small groups. Anything that you've read that you're interested in pursuing is fine with me.
11. How were you raised? With intentional conscious parents or ?
My parents were good to me but they weren't really emotionally involved or psychologically minded. That's partly why I've become I therapist – so other people wouldn't have to be so alone or confused by their emotions.
12. What would you say was the highlight of raising your kids? and the not so highlights?
It's very painful when your kids hate you, even if you know it's a phase. So when they hated me or when I was furious with them (and even hated them sometimes too) those were our worst times.  I should mention here, though, that even during these times, there was a line that was never crossed. Hurtful words have long echoes. Mutual respect no matter how angry we got was a rule I adamantly held to.
The highlights are when we have fun together and when they confide in me. I loved heart to heart talks when they were little kids, and I still love them.
13. Would you say you learned more about counseling in a book or hands on talking to clients and learning from them?
Actually, there are three important components – book knowledge, experience working with people, and exploring my own inner world. I was in therapy myself for many years. 

14. What kind of help would you suggest for a depressed or suicidal person?
Of course, this is a complicated question. But, in my opinion, serious problems like depression or suicidal thinking require professional help. Forcing ourselves to be different is typically a short-term solution. There are underlying reasons why people feel depressed or anxious. Most times, friends and family want to help but they just don't know how. Once the relationship with a therapist is secure, people are able to talk about their thoughts, feelings and memories in ways that they don't normally speak about in their day to day lives.  Therapy provides a safe place for people to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. It's an opportunity to work on problems from the inside out

For a complete list of Loren Buckner's services visit her website Loren Buckner, LCSW

Loren Buckner, LCSW
(813) 915-0076
Tampa, Florida 33618

Join Carol and Stacy for a live interactive online chat with Loren Buckner on Tuesday January 10th ~ 9 PM Eastern, 7 Mountain, 6 Pacific.

Fun ~ Prizes ~ Great Conversations ~ New Connections

Jan 3, 2012

Introducing Loren Buckner, LCSW

Introducing Loren Buckner, LCSW
Loren began her career as a substance abuse counselor in Waitsfield, Vermont. In 1980, she and her husband moved to Barcelona, Spain, where they taught English for two years. From Spain, they moved to Tampa, Florida, where Loren worked in community mental health for many years. She is currently in private practice as a psychotherapist. Loren has spoken to parents locally, nationally, and internationally about the emotional challenges of raising children. Her book ParentWise offers parents professional counsel in the privacy of their own homes and is a valuable resource for parents to return to again and again.

Join Carol & Stacy for a live chat with Loren Buckner January 10th in their BlogFrog Parenting Community.
9 PM Eastern ~ 8 Central ~ 7 Mountain ~ 6 Pacific

~ Prizes ~

Did you miss Loren's guest articles on ICP? No problem, here they are.

Here's more praise for ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges Of Family Life And How To Deal With Them
Debra Blackburn, Step-parent. "Even if you're not a parent, you'll appreciate all you discover between the pages of this book. If you want to better understand yourself and your relationships with others, read this book!"
Cara MacMillan, Ecologist and Expectant Mother. "I love it already! I think that it is important for me to read this book, as I identify with the "conscientious parent" to-be, who also avoids some negative feelings."
Jeannie Cucher, Ph.D. Student and Mother. "It gave me hope, confirmed some of my beliefs, made me wonder about some others. I felt myself breathing in her definition of unconditional love, and wanting to retain her formulation in my mind."

Dec 30, 2011

Review ~ ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life And How To Deal With Them By Loren Buckner, LCSW

Review By Carol Lawrence and Stacy Toten

ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life And How To Deal With Them By Loren Buckner, LCSW

All quotes in this review are from ParentWise.

Becoming a parent has many highs and many lows. Brand new babies do not arrive with a training manual. Through Loren Buckner's own experience as a mother and a psychotherapist she has gained the important life skills, tools and techniques that she willingly shares in ParentWise. Loren provides real raw parenting experiences that touch on darker parenting emotions that many parents themselves have yet to deal with until their parenting adventure begins.

"Internal security is a crucial building block of children's psychological lives, and it is the backbone of their developing personalities."

ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life And How To Deal With Them dives in depth into some really great parenting subjects. Here is some of the ones that we would like to draw your attention too.

1. Your children depend on you, physically, emotionally, and psychologically.
This is so important. Some parents think as long as they are providing food, shelter and sending their child off to school for an education they have all their bases covered. Children need emotional connection and support!

"It's more difficult to teach your children to manage their feelings if you avoid or are afraid of your own."

2. Finding a new parenting perspective.
Loren gives prime examples of how to distinguish the difference between what the parent is wanting and feeling and what the child wants and feels.

3. Being "good enough" as a parent is a common affliction. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. However there is active parenting where the parent continues to educate themselves to strive towards parenting excellence.

"Good enough is an important principle to hold onto because as a caring parent you have your ideals about parenting. However, we all inevitably fall short. You can't be perfect, not because your a failure as a parent. Perfection doesn't exist. Perfectionism, therefore, isn't good for you or for your kids."

4. There's a father universe too! ParentWise takes a look at the way some fathers may feel upon arrival of a new baby and how fathers can stay emotionally connected.

Dec 6, 2011

Childhood Isn't Something We Get Over By Loren Buckner, LCSW

Childhood Isn't Something We Get Over

Many adults want to deny the significance of what happened to them when they were young and vulnerable. Others believe that they should "just get over" any problems they had as they were growing up. The truth is childhood is an important part of who we all are.

Our feelings about ourselves and our expectations of family life begin when we are very small. We are dependent on our parents, not only for the necessities of every day life, but psychologically and emotionally. When needs are mostly met development proceeds at a healthy pace. When needs are not met our overall sense of security is affected, which in turn, impacts our developing confidence and self-esteem.

There’s often inconsistency between what people say about their own childhood and how they feel about tending to the needs of their children. We all agree that kids need to feel safe, happy, and loved. We know a nurturing environment helps boys and girls grow into healthy adults. But then as adults, we frequently tell ourselves that feelings from our own upbringing are irrelevant.

Nov 2, 2011

Struggling With Motherhood By Loren Buckner

Struggling with Motherhood By Loren Buckner

I totally enjoyed nursing our daughter. The difficulty was in getting her to take a bottle. I tried various shaped nipples, pumped breast milk, and tried several brands of formula. She was more likely to take a bottle from her dad than from me but not always. So I worried whenever I left her.

One afternoon I had a doctor’s appointment and planned to be back before she woke from her nap. Just in case I was late, my husband was ready with a bottle. I didn’t feel great about going out, but I had to go.

When I returned home, my husband was holding her over his shoulder with an empty bottle in his hand. He turned so she could see that I was home. She took one look at me, threw up, and cried furiously until I sat down to nurse her.
I was completely amazed and overwhelmed (in a good way) by how important I was to her. I couldn’t get her to my breast fast enough. Physically, I needed her.  I wanted to feed her as much as she wanted to be fed. It was an emotionally intense experience and one I’ll always remember.

I treasured the experience of nursing. Quietly feeding my baby as she melted into my body was joy incarnate. Nourishing her in this intimate way created a fulfilling bond. At the same time, our daughter needed me on demand every two hours, twelve times a day, seven days a week. Neither my body nor my time was my own any longer.

In addition to the demands of an infant, I also had a two-year-old son who needed me too. He still wanted me to revolve around him and wasn’t too keen on sharing his mother’s time and attention with his little baby sister, no matter how cute she was.

Mothers, a bit more than fathers, often feel that they practically belong to their children. Between feeding, changing, and playing with them, I barely had time to shower. I don’t know how long it was before I went into the bathroom alone or ate a hot meal. Almost every minute revolved around my kids.

Although meaningful and satisfying, in the darker moments, disturbing resentments and fears about losing myself began filtering into my awareness. There were times when I had to restrain myself from screaming, “Stop crying!” or “Leave me alone!” Or I wondered, “What have I gotten myself into?”

These darker moments are scary. And although we need our partners to be attentive and actively involved, their love alone isn’t enough to keep these disturbing feelings from coming up. (Uninvolved or absent fathers do make the situation a lot worse, though.) This maternal experience requires an internal struggle where mothers must re-find and re-define themselves, which is not an easy thing to do.

Being a mother is an awesome responsibility. Most of the time, fulfilling this role is wonderful and rewarding. But sometimes, it’s almost too much. As our old self disappears, we can feel taken over and smothered.

Immersion in babyland and finding the way out isn’t a smooth path nor is it a direct one. There are days when we feel like the luckiest people in the world. But there are also days when we wonder if we'll survive. 

Guest Author Loren Buckner, LCSW, Psychotherapist in private practice in TampaFlorida. She is also the author of ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How to Deal With Them.

Join Carol and Stacy for a live chat with Loren Buckner January 10th.