Regardless of which of the three parenting courses I
am facilitating,
I always begin by emphasizing that parents are leaders. As
parent leaders we:
• Influence our children to do what we want them to
do
• Realize that we cannot influence our children
unless we are in a connected relationship with them.
• Have a vision
• Focus on what we want, not what we do not want; we
are positive
• Listen
As a parent, I can most influence my child's
self-esteem by realizing that I do shape my child's self-concept and self-worth
because my child becomes what I believe she can become. Self-concept refers to all of those traits and
abilities that my child believes she possesses. Praise and recognition play a
major role in shaping my child's self-concept because I am constantly sending
messages to my child. Since kids largely spend the first four years of their
lives with us, our children internalize our verbalized observations:
"You are such a hard
worker."
"You are a very unselfish
friend."
"When something is
difficult for you, you really become determined."
"I always enjoy asking for
your opinion because you have lots of good ideas."
"You are a very thoughtful
girl."
When we see behaviors
that concern us, parent leaders focus on what they want:
Instead of saying "You're
lazy," they say, "You need to work harder."
Instead of saying, "You
won't be able to do that," they say, "If anyone can do it, it is
you."
Instead of saying, "Boy,
were you lucky," they say, "You worked hard for that."
Instead of saying, "Are you
ever going to learn? " they say, "I trust you won't make that mistake
again."
Instead of saying, "You are
very selfish," they say, "You are a more considerate person than
this."
Leaders encourage, motivate, communicate, bring out
the best in people and give them hope. I will share with you a true story from
my days as a guidance counselor. Mrs. White asked me to help her 7th grade
daughter Anna with her schoolwork, as Anna's grades had been on a serious
decline. Within two weeks of beginning to work with Anna, Mrs. White emailed
me:
"I think I know what is causing Anna's stress—my
mother. She moved into our neighborhood recently and has been giving Anna a
hard time ever since. She has been criticizing her—asking her if she is stupid
because she forgets things, and asking her if she is on drugs, etc."
This is not only an example of poor leadership, but
also an example of how an influential adult can severely hurt a child's
self-concept. How are kids going to believe in themselves if their loved ones
don't have faith in them? We want our kids to feel they are very capable and
possess a multitude of abilities. They will develop a strong self-concept if we
love leaders and role models.
Parents are also crucial to the formation of their
child's self-worth. Self-worth refers to
the extent to which the child sees herself as being worthy— worthy of love,
success, friendship, and respect. If we want our children to make good
decisions in life, we better instill in them a strong sense of self-worth. As
actor Christian Slater said, "It doesn't matter how famous you are if your
head is telling you, 'You stink.' All you ever do is try to escape from
that."
A scene from the movie about Johnny Cash's life, Walk the Line, will forever be imprinted
in my brain.
